Lickin' Lizards
by Vietta
Summary: Tseng is having a bad day and Reno can only make it worse, or maybe better?


Tseng coughed discretely into his hand, trying very hard to hide the fact that he was fighting a cold. Rufus had been running him ragged since his foot had stepped into his office and it was getting harder and harder for him to maintain his professional appearance as the day dragged slowly on. He felt like shoving all of Rufus' assignments in a very unfriendly place, but he kept his mouth shut and did as he was told like a good lap dog. It was hard to contain the sneeze that itched at his nose as he mixed Rufus' tea while describing the file he was looking over in greater detail to prepare him for his next meeting, but he managed to do it even though his voice sounded like he had been hit with a brick because of it. He was feverish and cold, almost as if he had been soaked in a hot tub and then dropped into a tub of ice water without time to recover.

Rufus shot Tseng a look as he watched his subordinates very red nose twitch angrily. He was sure that Tseng was sick and wasn't telling him, but he was finding it harder and harder to ignore the sniffs, sneezes, coughs, and the sudden and rapid filling of his waste basket with crumpled tissues. Rufus was trying to treat Tseng as he did any other day, simply to spare the utterly infallible Tseng the humiliation of admitting that he was under the weather, but the near constant sound of sniffling near his ear was starting to drive him insane. He was waiting, simply waiting, for the sneeze he could see screwing up Tseng's pale, sweaty, yet still attractive countenance. Once that sneeze broke forth he would force Tseng to admit just how horrible he felt and send him home. That one final sneeze would be the deal breaker. He could take the coughs that Tseng stifled in his sleeve and hands, he could tolerate the snorting and sniffling Tseng did while blowing his nose, but he absolutely could not handle the idea of Tseng sneezing boogies and germs all over his neat and clean office.

Tseng was fighting the itching urge to sneeze, his entire face was contorted in the effort, but he seemed to be fighting a losing battle. Every second he tried to hold back the sneeze it only seemed to grow in intensity until he could contain it no longer. He quickly snatched a handful of tissues from Rufus' desk and let loose the violent eruption of air and other things he didn't want to name.

Success! Rufus could only rejoice and cringe as the long awaited kerchoo resounded through the office. He slammed his pen down in mock anger, having prepared all that he was going to say to render any of Tseng inevitable attempts to remain at work powerless. "Dammit Tseng! I can't work with you constantly sniffing and sneezing in my ear!"

Tseng finished wiping his nose and gave a rather pathetic sniff. "My apologies sir, I did not mean to disrupt your work."

Rufus frowned and fixed Tseng's somewhat bloodshot and obviously tired eyes with a glare. "Tseng, you're sick as a dog! You really need to go home." Tseng opened his mouth to argue but Rufus held up a hand to stop him. "There is no arguing this point. Go home, drink some tea, eat some soup, take some medicine, and go to bed. If you can go five minutes without sniffing when you wake up tomorrow you can come in."

Tseng sighed heavily and gave a rather slow nod. "Understood sir." He turned on his heel and began the trek back to his office, the idea of soup and a warm blanket sounding absolutely heavenly.

Rufus sighed and he watched Tseng exit the office with yet another small sniff and dropped a lit match into his waste basket to remove the germ covered tissues that lay within.

* * *

Tseng continued to sniff and cough on the way back to his office, his mind already at home brewing a cup of warm tea. He barely registered the pleading looks being shot in his direction as he neared his office, the people fleeing the area in frightened huddles getting none of his attention. It was only when he entered the break room that he realized something was wrong.

Reno was grinning like a madman while he tried to grab the large bottle of coffee creamer sitting just beyond the reach of his grasping fingers as Rude struggled to keep the wriggling man in his arms. The entire break room was disheveled, tables were overturned and most everything seemed to have a wet spot on it. Tseng raised an eyebrow as Reno growled and elbowed Rude in the stomach, the larger man doubling over as Reno ran to the counter, grabbed the coffee creamer, and began licking the outside of the bottle.

"What the hell is going on?" Tseng's stuffy voice held a note of confusion under the authoritative demand for information.

Reno stopped licking the coffee creamer bottle cradled in his hands mid tongue swipe to give Tseng a confused look. His pupils were dilated and his wide blue eyes were shaking slightly. He dropped the bottle of creamer and ran towards Tseng with his arms outstretched. "TSENG!"

Tseng's face paled, if that was possible, and he simply stood in shock as Reno rushed at him. Reno almost tackled him, his fingers were just about to brush the front of Tseng's jacket when Rude's arms wrapped around his waist and pulled him back and the strange choking noise Reno made was disturbing as he thrashed against Rude's hold. "What is wrong with him?"

Rude grunted as Reno elbowed him in the nose, his patience with the red head waning as he fought to keep his friend under control. "He licked the damned lizard!"

Tseng took a step back as Reno lunged for him again, his fingers grabbing for him like a small child reaching for his favorite toy. "He licked what?"

"He picked up the damn lizard and licked it because he said it was pretty! He's been like this ever since." Rude made a strange choking noise as Reno's elbow collided with his throat and his grip loosened for just a moment.

That moment was all Reno needed to break free and latch himself onto Tseng, his arms wrapping around the older man and his head nuzzling in his chest. Tseng was too dumbfounded to rip himself out of Reno's crazed embrace as dilated blue eyes tried in vain to focus on his face. "Rude doesn't taste good."

"I told you I wouldn't." Rude rubbed his throat and watched cautiously as Reno snuggled up against Tseng's chest. He didn't know how long Tseng's patience would last, but he thought he could see the man's irritation on his face. Either Tseng was irritated or maybe he just had to sneeze. Either way Reno was screwed.

Reno's face twitched strangely as his eyes seemed to flicker between awareness and a sluggish almost drugged haze. It seemed as if he was fighting a war in his brain as he held Tseng captive, the sick man unable to truly fight back against the hands holding him down. Tseng wasn't sure which side of Reno's brain had won the internal battle, but as soon as his tongue began reaching towards his face he knew that Reno had lost the external one. Rude tried to pry Reno off of Tseng before he could do what he seemed compelled to do, but Reno refused to release his chokehold on Tseng's waist as he began licking his cheek happily.

At first Tseng stood shocked, unable to do anything but stare as his face was licked repeatedly by his mentally unstable employee. Soon enough he was able to gather sufficient enough wits about him to pull his arms out of Reno's grasp as the red head continued to slobber all over his cheek. Rude's face was blank with fear and he began backing out of the room as he watched Tseng's fist begin its undoubtedly painful pounding of Reno's face.

* * *

A few minutes later Reno was curled up on the floor of the break room clutching his nose in one hand and his family jewels in the other. Tseng pulled a handkerchief out of his jacket and wiped the blood off his fingers. Surprisingly enough he felt much better after beating Reno senseless, his sniffling had stopped completely and his nose was no longer running like a faucet. "What did we learn today Reno?"

Reno whimpered pathetically and gave his answer. "Just 'cause it's pretty and I can hold it doesn't mean it goes in my mouth."

"Good boy." Tseng bent down and ruffled Reno's hair good naturedly before heading to his office to gather his things. He passed a blank faced Rude on the way out of the break room and gave a friendly nod as he used his handkerchief to wipe the saliva off his cheek. Soup, tea, and a warm blanket were sounding more and more appealing with every step he took.

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Author's Note: This is another one of those stories where I should probably explain my reasoning behind it, isn't it?

**I saw a lizard the other day, a pretty black and blue one, but I couldn't catch him. I chased him for about an hour, but he was just too fast. When I told my mom she asked what I would've done with him if I caught him. I told her I would lick him. Then she told me to remember what she had said about picking up things and licking them. Then, quick as a flash, this entire story popped into my head.**

**In short: I'm random and I love my mommy. **

**I still want to catch that damned lizard…..**


End file.
